Its pretty sad that I don't have even have time to write in a journal anymore. So here I am.
I was reading old blogs, where at my point in my life, it just wasn't..good.
And for awhile after, I was on top of the world, with a bit of fluctuations, but nothing major.

And here i am again, just sick and tired of everything. Im sick of high school. The work, the issues, the emotions, it just gets to me. I'm ready to just leave and start over somewhere else. I don't know how much i can take, and it's so selfish and STUPID that I worry about this when there's more to worry about but everyday is just .. I don't look forward to much anymore. I think my time is just done. I just wanna stick it out for a yeear and a half. and then im out of here. It'd be eaiser to write in a place where it's not permanently displayed for public consumption, haha. But there's no time.
I think it's time to just stop. It'd be easier.


I miss the old days. so much. I cant stand this.

Hello 2011. I greet you with nothing but a wish for 2012.

DOUG USELTON.

Doug Uselton died today. There's no other way to say it. I'd never dealt with death before. I've spoken to him, yet not nearly as much as I should have, which just makes it worse. There is so much regret, mourning, GUILT, as I feel thankful my family is alive, and I feel so selfish, and then everything just translates into tears. I cried for three hours straight; it feels as if it's the only way to compensate for not getting to know him. We found out during the Fullerton S&D Tournament. To think, we were complaining about staying until seven; yet, because of the news, we left at 3. I would have stayed til next year if it prevented this. It was death upon impact. I prayed for you. I'm putting this up because I'm afraid I'll forget him, and I want his name to be embedded within the internet.
And it really gets me furious that people are posting up some Facebook statuses about him. Does it really bring about some sort of satisfaction when you see your deep words on a fucking computer screen? Say it to him in your prayers, don't post it on the internet. Show a bit of respect. Seeing all the "thumbs ups" and "likes" on statuses that have to do with his death makes me sick. We were told to not spread this around using electronics. I guess I'm doing it now, but this is more of a note to myself than to be read by anyone else.
People aren't afraid of death; people are afraid of being erased. I know it sounds corny but I've never understood this until now: if you never forget them, they're not truly gone. And people say "my heart goes out to the family." What do phrases like this even really do? They sound nice and all, but do they hold any meaning? Ive heard so many words today, saying honor or that if we need help to "get by." I don't need to talk to anyone I just, I don't even know. I can't put anything into words right now.
The thing about this is that whenever this happens in a story or movie, it's always "the brightest kid i ever knew." I always thought "Of course, hes the brightest one. It's never the person everyone hates." But Doug Uselton was honestly the most real person I knew. He just wasn't afraid to be himself, and he was just so upright and bright and .. I cried not because we were best friends, but because he was so young. He really did have an amazing future ahead of him. And it kills me to have to write in past tense. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
RIP 12/18/2010 Doug Uselton.

NO ONE USES BLOGSPOT ANYMORE. its all about tumblr now. But since i dont' write in a journal, i'll write it here just for myself

I WENT TO THE MICHAEL BUBLE CONCERT YESTERDAY AND IT WAS HEAVEN. i am wearing his t shirt as i type . He is the most amazing performer ive ever seen. I vow to not watch any other concert but his. I touchd him. He was two feet away from me, literally. BEAUTIFUL MAN<3 such a good voice fdjslfsdklfjdslf love anh and lynette, i do .

i will update. someday.

Summer

Havent written in a really long time. While I sit here watching Oprah and Kirstie Alley after a day of SAT Self Review, I wanted to do this. So it's summer. And it's been fun (: I want a kindle. Oh so I've been watching Castle, since Jennies been bugging me to watch it for months. And I finsihed the 2 seasons, because it's just that fantastic. I love crime shows so much :O I really do. And the sexual tension? Just a bonus (; My kidn of show. And I want to buy Heat Wave. Because it sounds amazing. I bought funfetti mix to make cookies :D Been swimming. Got SAT classes on wednesday. not sure if I'm taking writing or verbal.
I went to Ross and bought two GORGEOUSSS little notebooks, and I don't know when I'll use them, but they're tơo beautiful to pass up. And i got a little makeup organizer thing which I love. I haven't seen Eclipse yet. Hmm.
I have nothing interesting to say. o.o sorry.

BIRTHDAYSEASON!

guess who's 16 in a weekkkk ?! MEEEEE!
ahah, so i've been studying for ap euro for 13 hours straight at this point.
Taking a break before I sleep to online shop and look at goodies! A girl can dream , cant she?! But yay for birthdays! (: haha.

anything that comes "FROMTHEHEART" gushyygushhymushhh

but really. anything that people THINK about, i LOVE<3 and i don't care about presents too much. more for the little get togetherrr. which i haven't planned yet -____-. stupid euro test.

but i dont think it's possible to top my handmade scrapbook from jennie. or cuzzy's purse allll the way from fashionisland + nyx. or barnes and nobles tote bag. or food bag. (: heh. YEEEEEE

complete fail.

i just fail at everything.
there's so much to worry about that i don't even know how to worry properly.
times like this, i miss you.

i need help.